In this interview, Kaje (they/ them/ itz/ xyr/ faer/ we/ monkey) speaks openly about living with polyfragmented DID and autism. They reflect on parenting, polyamory, and the daily work of building trust within themselves and with others.
This is a story about complexity, care, and the need for more accessible futures.
Kaje at Belle Isle
Would you mind sharing about your disability?
Kaje:
A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with DID.
Laura:
What is DID?
Kaje:
Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have polyfragmented DID, so it's many parts, and some of my parts have sub-parts. I grew up not knowing I had this. I also grew up not knowing I had autism. Being autistic and living in the world without knowing is so confusing. But, being diagnosed with DID was like a game-changer. It gave me the ability to see who I was and to make sense of everything. However, it took me up until recently to actually believe that I had it.
I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, all of the myriad of things a year before getting my DID diagnosis. My therapist thinks that it’s not necessarily all those other things. He says, “I don’t think you have ADHD-I think it’s your parts.” Which is hard to piece out. Everything overlaps in such a big way. I’m like, is this being autistic? Is this OCD? Is this DID?
For example, one of my parts is Jax, and he’s five. He’s really into stuffies and having a collection of them. I think that’s more attributed to the part of Jax rather than me being autistic. It’s nuanced and very layered. For a long time, I was just like, “Well, I’m just weird. There’s no explanation for it.” And that’s fine. But being able to think about which part brings what to the table has been really helpful in understanding myself.
But there are parts I have yet to meet. I know they exist because I’ve seen them, but I haven’t actually interacted with them. They’ve been in the background, hiding behind things. And I’m like, “Cool, you’re another one, I’ll add that to my list.”
Laura:
Is there a little fear when you know there’s another part hanging out that you’ll have to meet someday?
Kaje:
Yes. Mostly because I’m like, “What do you hold? What are you? A protector? Do you manage things? Do you put out fires? Are you an exile who holds trauma? Which thing are you?” And I don’t know until they come forth and feel comfortable enough with me. It’s very much about getting trust and hoping that I can help them understand that it’s today, it’s not back when we were 13 or whatever age they’re stuck in.
Laura:
Are there times when a part completely takes over?
Kaje:
Absolutely. I’ve had a lot of amnesia. Things will happen that I don’t remember. Somebody will come up to me and be like, “Oh hey, Skyler, it’s nice to see you again,” and I’m like, ”That's not my name.” So it’s been very jarring. But it's gotten better since my diagnosis.
Laura:
Have there been long periods of disconnection from certain parts?
Kaje:
Definitely. Like when I broke my leg and was on pain meds, a different part took over to manage all that. That lasted about five years. I don’t remember much from that time. I did things I wish I hadn’t, but I don’t have memory of them. That memory is somewhere else. I haven’t seen that part since then.
Also, my eyes change color. When my eyes change, I know someone else is present. Normally, they’re steel gray. But they’ll change to green or hazel. There’s a yellow ring that gets really bright or dim. When one part is fronting for a while, my eyes stay one color. When we’re switching rapidly, they might be three different colors in one day. It’s really interesting.
Managing Relationships
Laura:
How is it managing your relationships and all of these other parts of you?
Kaje:
It's been very hard. I've been with my one partner for 13 years, and through that 13 years, she has seen multiple different parts of me. There would be times when we would get into arguments and she would be like, “I don't know you.” That would trigger me to switch parts, and then somebody else would come out. I wouldn't remember the conversation. It wouldn't make sense. She felt like I wasn't really present, because I wasn't. And when the diagnosis happened, she was like, “This makes so much more sense.”
Managing relationships with DID is very hard. I have all of the relationships inside of me that I have to manage, and then I have the relationship with my partner, a relationship with my kid, then I have friends, and I have my other partners.
Everyone has to know about my DID, so they understand this is a choice they're making. I don't get the choice, but they do. I want them to be fully aware of what they're choosing, because it needs to be intentional. If I'm working hard at it, they also need to be working hard to understand my perspective.
It makes it very tedious and intricate, but also very worthwhile. I can see that almost everybody has parts. I can see different parts of other people, and if I get activated and a part comes out because of their angry part, I can slow down, put myself into a different state, and realize that they’re hurt. There’s something underlying there. I can actually slow it down and not be so activated.
Kaje’s hands featuring ‘They’ and ‘Them’ tattoos.
Etiology & Treatment
Laura:
Is DID hereditary?
Kaje:
I know it comes from trauma, but I think it can be passed down in the way that generational trauma is passed down. I don't want to pass it on to my kid, so I worked to break that generational trauma, because I was very worried about treating my kid the way that I was treated. I feel like maybe my mom had something similar, because there were just times when I was like, “Who are you?”, but we didn't have the language for it then.
Laura:
What is the treatment for DID?
Kaje:
My treatment is therapy. I do have medication. There are no medications for DID specifically, but there are medications to treat symptoms like anxiety. I have a lot of anxiety and a hard time leaving the house.
DID isolates you a lot, and there's so many fears around different things, because it's all relational trauma. So the way that I relate to people is different, because I'm afraid they're gonna hurt me in the same way that has already happened. So it's a lot of putting myself in situations that are showing me, in all my parts, that it's safe as an adult now, even if it's not safe. I learn I can remove myself from a situation. I can handle it. It's like exposure therapy. Inadvertently, being polyamorous makes it really easy to practice treatment, because I'm working on relational trauma constantly, by developing relationships, maintaining them and managing them. It's been wild and quite a learning curve.
What do you like to do for fun?
Kaje:
I love to do a lot of things. I volunteer at the dog shelter, that’s a lot of fun for me, and it helps with the DID. It proves that we’re safe, that we can handle situations. It’s very grounding because you have to be present. We’re here paying attention to these dogs because they’re scared too. So it works on their relational trauma, and we have a way to connect, which is really cool.
I love to hike. I love kayaking. Being outside is one of my favorite things. I love to read and write poetry. I’m a big fan of experiencing new things. I garden too. I love learning. Learning is a huge thing. I don’t understand why people don’t want knowledge. There’s so much knowledge to be had. I’m just like, “What else can I learn?” That’s definitely a big one. And then always learning more about DID—that’s something I do for fun, I guess. I do it because I want to know more. It’s enjoyable for me.
Laura:
Have you met other people with DID?
Kaje:
I have an online support group that I’m in. It’s a network I can talk to people through. I haven’t met anyone in person—oh wait, no, that’s a lie. My therapist!
Sometimes we’ll trigger each other, and we’ll be switching at the same time, and we’re both like, “Oh, we’re sleepy. Let’s get up and move and re-ground ourselves.” It’s really, really good to feel like, okay, you get it. I don’t have to explain stuff constantly. He just understands.
Barriers to Access
Laura:
What are some barriers to access for you and your diagnoses?
Kaje:
Transportation is a huge part. Especially here in Detroit, transit is wild and erratic and not convenient.
I feel really fortunate that right now I live right off a bus route that is mostly on time and pretty regular. I can catch a bus every half hour and know I can get downtown for appointments or go pick up my kid. But most of the transportation here is a nightmare.
Laura:
You really need a car to get around Detroit.
Kaje:
Since my diagnosis, I’ve been driving less because I’ve been noticing switches when I drive. It kind of freaks me out, especially when there are other people in the car. I’m like, I can’t do this right now. Somebody else has to drive. So transit would help in a number of ways.
What motivates or inspires you?
Kaje:
Absolutely my kid. He just turned 17 at the beginning of this month. He just did his first testosterone shot yesterday, all by himself. Watching him go from being absolutely terrified of needles to being able to just do it, I was like, wow. That was faster than when I did my first shot. Mine took like three hours before I even got close.
I never thought I was going to be a parent. My partner is actually the first mother, and when I met her, Mac was three. The first thing he said to me was, “You’re a boy-girl, just like me!” And I was like, “Oh! I love you. I’m going to protect you forever.”
And he’s always been the reason I aspired to be better, and to learn more. He would ask questions, and I’d say, “You know, I don’t know the answer, but let’s find out together.” He’s a huge motivation for me.
What change would you like to see for disabled people in the future?
Kaje:
Man. More visibility. More just general conversations around it. Absolutely more accessibility. The way that people are talking now and actually thinking about the world is better than what it was. I think the pandemic helped with that. As bad as it was, I think a lot of people getting sick and being like, “I have long COVID, what do I do now?” and being stuck with those questions, they’re now asking, “How do I make this more accessible for myself and others?”
They’re seeing that disability is almost inevitable. Everybody grows old. We’re all gonna need accessibility, so we might as well have it now, instead of waiting until it’s too late.